I’ve always wondered and tried to imagine how someone who receives bad news likes this feels and its impossible. Now I do know and think I would now be able to offer genuine empathy and understanding to others in the same situation.
For friends and family of that person, what do you say to them? how do you treat them?
Its tough for everyone involved. What I would say is that I am not physically sick or injured, so treat me as normal. I just might seem a little preoccupied sometimes.
Above all, talk to me, this is reality and there is no point pretending otherwise! Listen to me and be there for me.
Also please give your love and support to Pat, he is suffering immensely too.
This text is taken straight from the Macmillan website which gives load of information and support and I think helpful for people worried about what to say to me.
“We know lots of people worry about saying the wrong thing. Understanding what may be unhelpful and why, may make you feel more confident about talking with your relative or friend.
On this page, we’ve included some examples of things people with cancer tell us they don’t find helpful to hear and why. We have also suggested some alternatives.
If you have said one of these things, don’t be hard on yourself. No one gets it right all of the time. The most important thing is you are trying to reach out and help. Don’t let your anxiety about making a mistake make you afraid to offer support. Your relative or friend will appreciate that you are trying to help.”
‘I know you’ll be fine.’
It’s very common for people with cancer to have fears and worries. But it can be hard to hear someone you care about talking about these things. You might want to make them feel better by telling them everything will be okay, but this often doesn’t help.
Saying things like ‘That’s a good cancer to have’ or ‘At least you don’t have to have chemotherapy’ isn’t usually helpful. The person with cancer may feel you don’t understand the seriousness of what they are coping with.
What to do instead: Rather than playing down what someone is facing, listen to your relative or friend and let them speak freely about their feelings.
‘You are so strong.’
People often say this because they admire how the person with cancer is coping. But it’s not always helpful, as the person may feel under pressure to be brave or strong all the time. They may then feel they can’t admit to feeling down or ask for help when they are not coping so well.
What to say instead: You could tell them you understand they may have good days and bad days, and ask what support you can offer on those days.
‘You need to think positively.’
It’s not usually helpful to tell your relative or friend to think positively. No one can feel positive all the time. It’s normal for people to feel scared, angry, upset or down at times, especially when they’re dealing with cancer.
There is no evidence that positive thinking can make treatments more effective or stop cancer from coming back. If you suggest that being positive affects someone’s cancer, they may think they weren’t positive enough and it’s their fault if treatment doesn’t go well.
What to say instead: Ask them how they are feeling and be ready to hear what they tell you, even if it’s not all positive. Being able to express and accept feelings is the first step in coping with them.
‘My aunt had cancer.’
When your relative or friend brings up the subject of their cancer, avoid telling them about someone else’s cancer experience. Each person’s experience is different.
Treat your relative or friend as an individual. Try to focus on them rather than comparing them with anyone else.
What to say instead: You could encourage them to tell you more about the cancer and listen to what they say. That way they will know you are interested in hearing about their experience.
‘You look really tired.’
Think before making remarks about someone’s appearance. If someone looks tired or has lost weight, they probably know this already. Being told doesn’t help them to feel any better.
What to say instead: It’s generally best not to comment if someone isn’t looking well. Let your relative or friend be the one to mention their appearance if they want to talk about it.
If your relative or friend looks well, and you want to tell them this, you could say something like, ‘You look well, but how are you really feeling?’. This makes it clear you really want to know how they are and that you are not just assuming everything is fine.
‘You should try this diet I read about online.’
Think carefully before giving advice, especially about someone’s treatment. You may have your own ideas about what would help your relative or friend. But it’s worth pausing and asking yourself if your idea will really be helpful. You may want to tell them something that you think may help them feel better. But sometimes people facing a cancer diagnosis are overwhelmed with suggestions.
What to say instead: If you want to give advice but are not sure about it, you could say something like, ‘I wondered about this, but I don’t want to suggest it if it’s not the sort of thing you want’.
If you do make a suggestion, be ready to let it go if they don’t seem interested. Remember that your relative or friend may not always accept your advice or help. If they reject your suggestion, don’t take it personally. Their preferences may differ from yours. It could also be one way that they can stay in charge of their life, when other parts of it feel out of control.
It’s up to your relative or friend to make their own decisions about their treatment. Be ready to support their decision, even if it’s not the same one you think you would make.
‘If you need anything, just give me a call.’
This is a kind offer to make, but it’s a bit vague. It’s better to make real offers of help.
What to say instead: You could offer to collect the children from school, or drive your relative or friend to the hospital. Making a specific offer saves your friend trying to work out what you might be able to help with. It also shows you really want to help and aren’t just being polite.
Bertie the Bombshell 